Categories
Creative Writing

The Elmo Tree

The endless sea of tall green pine trees had engulfed every aspect of the horizon. With each I passed, ten replaced it. Nothing seemed to change as the forest walls became a monotonous eyesore. I shouldn’t have been so focused on the pines, but rather the destination at hand. Which itself was nothing special, but returning to the parked bright red Saturn and turning on the AC was reward enough to encourage me to continue my hike.

The trails are the only place where I feel truly alone. The occasional bird chirping and rustle in the surroundings were a comfort in the desired loneliness. I can watch as the sparrows fly just above the canopy and see their small brown bodies through the thin canopy of needles and green leaves above the path. Finally away from the speeding cars on the paved road but accompanied by the songs of the branches and forest floor.

I have been on this path numerous times. Either joined by my father or brother who always made hiking more of a chore than a passtime. Dad wouldn’t talk much, but he always liked to be ahead and spoil the surprises of what nature had to offer on our adventure. Once, he had claimed to have seen an eight point buck before us. It had disappeared into the surrounding wild before I could see – the wonder was ripped away when he was here. Going with Nick was what I could only imagine handling a toddler was like. Though older than me, he would demand to come and then complain the entire time. He wanted to drive, wanted to go down the green trail, his legs were hurting, his shoe was untied, he wanted to turn around – he wanted to do the opposite of everything I do when set out onto the trail. 

Today, however, both had been reluctant to join me. Not that I had asked, but they had seen my preparations – filling up the water bottle, tying my shoes, putting a few small snacks into my backpack along with an extra water bottle and bandaids. Nick would’ve asked to join me then, but he walked past me with nothing more than a glance before he turned his attention back to his phone. Dad barely said goodbye since his focus was on the television in front of him, watching yet another rerun of Seinfeld. 

Hiking was an activity best done alone. I could walk at my own pace, take breaks, and choose which way to go every time. It was not nearly as fun when I came with my family. If I wanted to go down the red path, Dad would say it was too long of a trail and that we needed to get back home for dinner. Nick would outright refuse until I gave in and did what he wanted. Though it wasn’t often I loved hiking alone. Especially down the red path.

It was longer than the green one, and it was a trail that led back into the other after about four miles. I had never finished the red path in full. Dad was hesitant to cross over the three-mile mark, believing that it was out of range from any cell towers. His voice echoed in my mind anytime I saw the name of the trail: What if something happens? How will someone help us?

Nick never wanted to come down this way.

I was focused on finishing this trail, the goal being to make it around the complete circuit, rather than turning around and crawling back the way I came as if I was a scared child. The mileage wasn’t a problem for me, but rather the motivation to continue walking through a path that became repetitive.

The spot that Dad always had us turn around at came up ahead. There was a large spruce tree where he would lean his arm on and say the fatal phrase: Lets head back. I did not stop this time. Before me was an environment I have never seen before. The monotony was ending, and refilling my mind with the adventurous spirit that had been lost. My heart rate was quick while passing by the turn-back-tree and stepping onto the untouched trail. My eyes flicker back and forth across the land in front of me. The trees on the surface look the same as the ones now far behind me, but these ones were special. My eyes had never settled on each of their leaves, branches, or roots before as if they had just been placed there just now. My eyes were new as I explored further, eyes tracking over each divet in the bark.

The path curved ahead and left my field of vision surrounded by the towering natural wonders. These were new trees, their leaves seemed lighter than the ones before it. There were less pines and tall spruce trees encompassed more of the space. I stopped just before the turn, and I looked in front of me between the trunks and brambles and listened.

The classic chirps of the forest were familiar. I could whistle along to the calls, clicking my tongue when the birds would finish their songs. The leaves rustled in the cool breeze which fended off the blistering sun. The sound of brambles and bushes spread throughout the forest was like a choir – the tenors following the lead of the sopranos flowing along with the soft whistle as the wind conducted. 

There was nothing as relaxing and centering as standing surrounded by the giants of nature. I took a step off of the path, facing out at the forest, and sat down against the rough exterior. Everything before me had been here long before I had. As new as it all felt I wonder how long they truly were here – tens of hundreds of years, maybe. They have been untouched by the human inspiration and were left to be the bystanders as to what happened outside of the borders of the state park. 

Far before me was nothing but the same hills and valleys of the trees. It was quiet besides the soundtrack of the forest and I realized that I couldn’t hear the sounds of the cars passing by on the road, such as the honk of an impatient driver or the screech of a break being tapped just in time. There were no other hikers, no voices lingering behind nor echoing miles ahead. The empty air was replaced with what had been here before man. The earth was untouched and left to thrive alongside the animals that called the canopies and dirt home. How was it that something could be so fresh? Somehow, this space had been spared by humanity. Nothing was man made nor resembled something that had been left behind by a lone hiker than may have passed before me. I didn’t care if my phone was disabled, nor did I desire to check, as I wasn’t alone in these moments. 

The one difference between the trees was one in the distance ahead of me. It was as if there were red leaves fallen around the base of the tree, or that the bark was dyed to mimic a fire truck. The more my eyes focused on it, the more it stuck out amongst the greenery. I glanced behind me at the safety of the path and hesitated at the idea of investigating this possible miracle of nature. I had never seen a tree like that, and for a moment the thought that it may be a mirage.

Looking at the path behind me one more time, I set forth towards the oddity. How was it that there could be something so strange in the middle of this serene isolation? I had never seen anything like it, let alone anything such as a red tree. It was an image out of a preschool crayon drawing.

The closer I got, the more I noticed. There were white speckles, and it seemed that only the bottom of the tree was red. The rest of the pine branches above looked just as the others did – evergreen. There seemed to be fuzz, perhaps it was red moss – growing along the tree or even taking it over. This other form took over the base and was suffocating the natural beauty out of it.

It took until I was near the perimeter of the tree to realize that what I was staring at was not a phenomenon of nature, but rather a grotesque invasion of mankind. Surrounding the base of the tree and the majority of the exposed trunk were plush red creatures, with giant white eyes and strange dark smiles. These Elmo dolls weren’t just sitting against the tree, but they were nailed into the bark, rusting over the faded black metal that sat driven through the chests of the stuffed animals. Some were stapled there or hung from the lowest branches. Their pupils were long gone, worn away by the rain most likely, and the fuzzy red bodies sagged towards the earth.

The scene from a horror movie seemed surreal and took my mind a moment to catch up with my heart that was about to jump out of my chest. Who thought that this, of all places, was where they should have their occult shrine? Had this been the action of a cult, why did they choose Elmo? Why this tree? During the night when the moon is at its fullest and highest point, did they dress in thick black robes and dance around the base of the tree, torches in hand and chating ‘Elmo’s World’? Or, perhaps this is where they brought their sacrifices to suffer the wrath of their worshipped God in the middle of the woods where no one else could hear their screams?

A cult that worshipped Elmo would be too much for fiction purposes, let alone in reality. But I couldn’t begin to think of a logical reason as to why this tree, so far off the beaten path, was chosen for this shrine. Whoever decided that this was going to be their first public art piece hadn’t thought their actions through hard enough. This took stage fright to a whole new level.

Someone coming out here and deciding this was appropriate to do in this protected space bothered me the most about this. Not the horrific monstrosity in front of my eyes, but the individual who sat stapling and nailing the childrens toys to the tree. This was the one place I felt connected to my roots – the roots of the natural world and the beauty it could produce. This is where man was not supposed to be and therefore not interfere with the natural cycle. They would one day fall off of the tree, whether it be natural causes or my own hand, and they would be left to degrade in the dirt. Animals would take the stuffing and build their nests with the extra insulation or even attempt to snack on the innards. Elmo would never leave this place, plaguing the earth for generations since his body wouldn’t blend back into the earth. Maybe one day, someone would find them fossilized – and wonder what other odd creatures sat beneath the dirt. These weren’t supposed to be here. They tainted the wonder and freedom of the area which was few and far between.

The use of the Elmo dolls was the most concerning to me because it wasn’t something that an adult would lean towards when creating a distasteful art piece. Usually that fell along the lines of spray paint. Perhaps it was meant to be a disturbing popup in the middle of the premade tranquility. Someone believed that this was the perfect spot to show their creation. It was off the trail and only in view if you were looking for a difference in the sea of trees. This wasn’t supposed to be located easily. Had my curiosity not gotten the best of me, I wouldn’t have seen it myself. This was meant to be hidden from public view. The artist wasn’t afraid of showing their work, but wanted to have someone stumble across it and have the same reaction I was having.

That left more questions than answers. If this was an art piece it should’ve been seen – that’s what art was for. In the case of this piece, it was no different – something that should’ve been seen if it was what my mind believed that it was, not that I even wanted to believe that it was sitting there in front of me. If it wasn’t an art piece, then what was it?

I walked around the tree slowly, taking the time to scan over all sides and what kinds of dolls were on it. There weren’t just plush bodies, but plastic action figures that hung from the branches as well as Elmo’s dressed up in crowns or t-shirts. Though they were all similar, some had more damage than others. Perhaps someone’s child had outgrown their Elmo phase and they didn’t want any of the toys anymore, and the parent thought that this was a dump zone for the long forgotten child obsessions. 

This was too put together to be a dump. Someone took the time to nail the dolls to the tree, and arrange them around the tree. No one who just wanted to dump the toys would have put this much effort into the act of trashing the unused clutter. 

I had loved Sesame Street when I was a child, and Elmo was the staple of the show. He had been my favorite as well – my toy of choice to cuddle with late at night. I was attached for years until second grade when my friends had stopped watching the show. He was shoved to the bottom of my toy box and forgotten about until I stumbled upon the mystery in front of me. Maybe it was a graveyard for long lost Elmo’s of children like me. Ones that outgrew their childhood favorites and tossed them off to the next set of the obsessed.

Cousins of mine were still young enough to appreciate and love the singing red puppet. Seeing the show pop up on the television reminded me of preschool where I carried around my Elmo backpack every day. It was my most prized possession – Santa had given it to me for the holidays the year before. It was special – everyone loved Elmo, but no one else in my daycare class had a backpack like mine. I could remember how cute my aunts and uncles thought it was, his smiling red face on the back of the bag for the world to see as I skipped off to preschool. I would play with the bag and hold the face in my hands, singing “Elmo’s World” as I played with the ‘real’ Elmo that I could carry around everyday.

Now the only times I saw him or thought of him were when I got stuck babysitting while the parents of the family went out for drinks and dinner. One of my youngest cousins, Thea, slept under an Elmo blanket every night. She had had it as long as I had been babysitting for her. The brightly colored blanket painted with reds, greens, and yellows had his face smiling in the middle of it. She brought that blanket around with her everywhere that she went. Even when she was sick and stuck in the hospital for a week, the blanket followed her there. Laid out over top the off white excuse for a blanket was the colors and character that brought light into Thea’s eyes. 

She was no different than any other child, but she walked out of the hospital afterwards and continued as if nothing had happened. Maybe this was a tribute to someone, a child much like Thea, but not as lucky.  A family longing for their lost child could have come out here and hung the dolls in a way of remembrance of the death of their loved one. A life taken far too soon from the world memorialized in the forest where they would be left from the hand of man, forever thriving amongst the grasses and growth surrounding. 

It was a good thing that Elmo would not decay out here. The stuffing, whether it was packed into a new nest or left on the ground – Elmo would live on. His red body would stay on the tree as long as the staples would hold it there – and it would not be touched. This place was protected, and protected this memory. Even if I didn’t understand it myself, I knew that this was important to someone out there, someone who had walked the Red path many times before. Maybe it was the family’s favorite tree. Either way, Elmo would remain out here as long as nature would let it.

I looked over the tree for a few more moments. It was a melancholy realization that was I thought originally was a horrific cult symbol was possibly the memorial for a passed on child. Childhood was never considered grotesque, and in this untouched space it is the first thought that my mind towards. This was the perfect place for this memorial to be located – away from the trail where someone could come along and destroy it, but at the turn in the path, where one who was looking for it could locate it by walking straight through the small openings between the trees. This was just as natural as what grew around it – the earth didn’t know the difference.

I stood for a moment longer and watched the fur blow in the wind before I turned and began my trek away from the unknown. Getting back on the trail felt odd, looking down the section that I had yet to walk down yet. Maybe there were more Elmo’s further down, or one decked out in Barney merch. With the tree in my mind, I continued on.

Categories
Creative Writing

4:30 AM

It’s early enough to know that I shouldn’t be awake. There is no light aside from the grocery store night light plugged in by the doorway – casting a comforting orange hue onto the dark purple-painted walls. If I turn my head, the charging light of my lap top will shine in my eyes – the same orange color – and distract the mind from falling back asleep.

There is no particular reason that I should be asleep much like the house surrounding. Quiet wooden floors and plush white carpeting do not creak nor muffle the sound of steps – everything is as quiet as it should be at 4:30AM.

I sit up in bed, using the bottom of my palms to rub stars into the closed eyes they rested upon. The black faded once again as I rose from bed and moved into the hallway. A similar light is cast over the banister of the stairs that leads down into the dark abyss of the first floor just across from the canary red bathroom that I share with my older brother.

The door is half shut and remains that way. Turning the faucet on, I turn it to cold water and splash it on my face, leaned over the white Coca-Cola stained basin. It drips from my face back down the drain as I pick up the wool green towel crumpled up on the opposite side of the counter. I look at the person in the mirror before me as I pull the cloth away from my eyes.

It is hard imagining being the same person that has experienced their own fair share of trauma and life experiences as the girl who stands in front of a half-lit mirror wearing llama pajama pants and her fathers oversized t-shirt.

This was the same girl that had stood here numerous times before, face flush from the cold water resting on the surface, thinking the same exact thoughts over and over again. I had stood here nearly every day for 10 years – 11 in July – and each time my eyes locked with the light blue ones reflected back at me, I knew that this girl and this moment would just be repeated again. Not knowing what would be coming next, what life would be like exactly one year from now.

I don’t live there anymore. I am there visiting for the holidays and staying the night. I can hear my fathers voice down in the living room laughing at the Minions movie on TV, my mother’s fingers typing on the mechanical keyboard in front of her work laptop. My brother, still, is screaming at Call of Duty on the PS5 he plays in the room across the hall from mine. I wash my face and then sit at the top of the black carpeted stairs, listening to the sounds of the life I grew up with crawling over the walls of the house.

I still live at home, taking classes virtually from my desk beside the bed I sleep in every night. This is just another event that started the year before – waking up at 4:30AM every other day for no reason other than to get out of bed – and continues to haunt my nights. I haven’t slept through the night in weeks, waking up at least 5 or 6 times between the fall and the rise. I return to bed after closing the bathroom door, dreading my Spanish class that will test all of my knowledge at 9:30.

I haven’t fallen asleep yet – rather stayed up working on a project that I knew I should’ve started sooner but left until the last minute as always. I am at page 6 of 10 and if I take this one break I’ll be able to finish by 6AM and submit it. Whether it’s good or not – it will be submitted and I will rest, ignoring the rest of my assignments for a later date as I catch up on the much needed sleep.

Or maybe this is the last time that I look into the mirror. This is the last time that I can think back on all of the experiences of the girl staring back at me – the last time I can daydream about what could be coming next. The house could be sold in two months – the family could move and I would not be looking at the same mirror I did at 10 years old when the first gaze into it occurred, never thinking that she’d make it this far.

I drop my gaze and continue to pat myself dry. Leaving the towel in the same balled up position, I step out of the bathroom and close the door behind me. I decide that I don’t want to look into the mirror anymore tonight and I return to my imprint in bed. With the blankets lying over my frame, I shut my eyes and hug the extra pillow to the right. These thoughts will be left for another night – another 4:30AM.

Categories
Creative Writing

TA: The Dream

This piece is a continuation of The Astrologist. You can read that piece at the link!

I couldn’t help but arrive early.

I sat on the bench across the street from the town home that the address has sent me too. It was nicer than I had expected it to be – and I expected a lot from the red brick home. The windows were bigger than any of the one’s at The Two Lantern Inn. The time read 2:40 PM on my watch and regret filled my mind. What if he isn’t helpful at all? What if he thinks these dreams are crazy? I mean, to me he seems pretty crazy, so he better not think some silly nightmare is even more crazy. 

Why was I so worried? So what if he thought I was crazy? I hadn’t cared what he thought of me before that moment – I shouldn’t be so concerned with how he feels about me after I tell him about the dream. So what if he couldn’t help me?

Well, I would be out of options if that were the case. Who else could I tell?

Would Evon even be ready if I walked up and knocked on the door? 

I found my feet leading me to the crosswalk and I felt my stomach drop. 

The front door was solid wood. I didn’t know what kind, but it was the kind that screamed ‘if you try and kick me in you’re going to break your ankle’. At least, that’s how I would describe it. Not to mention in the corner of the thin strips of glass was a ADT sticker. So, if you did attempt to break in, you’d break not only your ankle but you would get cuffed. Not a fun combo.

With a chime of the doorbell I felt the need to sprint down the road and forget that this ever actually happened. I could avoid Evon – never go to Newbury Street again and just buy myself ice cream at CVS like all of the other broke college students. I could still get Ben & Jerry’s there at least.

The door opened just as I was about to turn around. But it wasn’t Evon at the door. It was a girl – with beautiful black hair braided back. I wish that I went to sleep away camp with her. We had different hairtypes, but damn. I noticed her bright blue eyes second and how it contrasted her black skin.

“Yeah? Can I help you?” she asked, blowing a bubble of pink gum.

Star struck, it took me a moment to respond. “Is Evon home?”

The bubble popped. “Oh, you’re the girl meeting up with him?” She stepped aside and opened the door wider. “I’m his sister. I’m Emilia.”

The inside of the house was more impressive than the outside – I barely listened as I stepped inside. “Hayden.”

“He’s upstairs. You’ll know which room is his – trust me.” Emilia popped another bubble, and with that she was gone. I wish I had dreams that looked like her.

I followed the slim black carpet up the iron railed stairs, feeling incredibly out of place. But, Emilia was right. I could only guess that Evon’s room was the door covered with a map of constellations. It looked hand-painted and I wouldn’t be surprised if it was. 

I knocked on the door. There were footsteps and the sound of papers sliding across the floor. I blinked, but waited. Evon opened the door a few moments after and said “Oh, hey. Emilia let you in? Sorry, I was distracted.”

“It’s fine. I didn’t know you had a sister, anyways.” I replied, glancing around his room over his shoulder.

“Yeah, I do. She’s like 5 years younger though. Come on in.”

Every ounce of attraction I had for her fled my body as I stepped into the room. 5 years? No way. 

I knew Evon was eccentric – yet his room still shocked me. There were posters on the wall of artists I had never heard of, large prints from photographers with names that sounded like I was talking with food in my mouth. The walls were navy and white with gray curtains hung along the windows in the back of the room. The rug was black and gray and spanned across a majority of the sleek wooden floors. He had hand painted bookshelves lining the wall across from his bed filled head to toe with books of different sizes. The smallest shelf was empty, books littered across the floor in front of it. He had a hanging chair across the room that was shaped like a bamboo egg. 

Evon must’ve noticed my staring, because over my shoulder he said “You can sit in it if you want. It’s super comfy.”

I pulled off my sweatshirt and walked over to the chair, plopping down in it and feeling the chair sway with my weight. There were shoes scattered across the floor next to his bed and I couldn’t tell if they had pairs or if he just wore whatever two shoes he wanted. 

Evon kicked the shoes under the bed and sat down. “So, I’ve been doing a little research on dream interpretation. I have a bunch of books.” He pointed towards a broken bookshelf, where books laid scattered on the floor.

“I take it a ‘bunch of books’ broke that shelf.” I smirked.

“Yeah… Mom wants me to donate some of my collection. She says I ‘have too many books.’ I don’t agree.”

“I’ve never seen someone with a personal collection that big.” I gestured to the wall filled with books as if he couldn’t see it himself.

“You’re not hanging out with the right people then,” Evon laughed. He stood up from the bed and picked up the books from the floor. He dropped them onto the bed and spread them out in front of him. “I have some books about common dreams and their meanings, and books about symbols in dreams.” Looking at me, he asked “I think it would be helpful if you shared with me the dream, and then I’ll be able to tell you more. Maybe one of these books will be more helpful than the others.”

It only then occured to me that I would have to tell him about the dream. I would have to tell him about my mother. I felt a lump in my throat that I had tried to swallow down. “Right. The dream…”

Evon sat down criss cross on his bed in front of the books. “You don’t have to tell me the whole thing, just the parts you’re comfortable with.” He hesitated, “But, I think telling me the whole thing will be more helpful. The margin of error is much smaller.”

“Okay,” I sighed. “I have one request.”

Evon nodded.

“You can’t tell anyone what I tell you.”

He raised an eyebrow, but said after a moment “I won’t tell anyone, Hayden.”

It felt strange hearing him say my name. It shouldn’t of been surprising, but I couldn’t remember a time where he had actually said it before this moment. 

“Alright.” I took a breath, shut my eyes, and let my branded memories do the talking.

***

How did it feel?

The garden is dead. All around my feet lie the wilted pumpkin vines, and their decaying bodies not far behind. The squash planter is over grown with weeds and the only way I know it’s squash is that the label is torn just above the name. 

I step over the vines and walk towards the gray gate across from me. I don’t know how I got here but I don’t want to be there. I feel the hairs on the back of my neck standing up. I don’t belong in the garden. I’m trespassing. 

The gate is cold as my hand rests on the top – the metal is rusting but I don’t mind. When the gate swings open, before me I see a path curving through an oak forest. It is worn down to dirt, but the lines are sharp. There are no weeds at the edge of the path. As I begin to walk through the path, I hear the gate creak closed behind me. There is no wind.

The path feels endless. I feel trapped in the forest – there is no way to know where I’m headed, and I don’t know where I came from. I am wandering blindly. The fear of trespassing still lingers in my mind.

I hear a rustling beside me. When I turn, sitting before me is a brown rat. As my eyes set on its – it turns and runs back into the bushes. It’s tail is nearly three times the length of it’s body and I cannot help but watch as it slithers into the bush behind it. 

Back on the path, I hear the sound of children laughing. I can’t tell how many there are, but I know I do not want to disturb them. Maybe it isn’t actually children, but perhaps a predator calling for its prey. 

Perhaps that is me.

The laughter gets closer. Without a second thought, I continue towards the sound. The trees break, and before me is a city. The feeling of oak trees towering around me is replaced with steel skyscrapers. This is more familiar, yet I still don’t know where I am. 

I walk underneath the street lamps in search of the laughing children. I hope that’s what it is, anyways. 

It doesn’t take long to come across a small fenced in park. There is a small jungle gym and a swing set. Sitting on the ground between are 4 children – a girl and three boys. They don’t have faces. I don’t know where the laughter is coming from – but it’s coming from them.

As I watch them, the children play a game. Their hands are intertwined with one another. The girl, stationed at the end of the chain, takes a step and skips towards the boy, who turns behind the other two and follows a similar action. The children do this until they’re all skipping and sliding in a whirlpool. The last boy chases the girl. To catch the other, a hand must be placed in between their shoulder blades. I watch as the girl catches the boy in front of her and the boy before him. The last boy is the only prey left. He moves swiftly in a circle, trying to get behind the girl. She laughs, an echo that stays in my mind long after the dream is over. The girl places her hand on his back – she has won. 

That’s when they turn to look at me. They see me watching their game. The girl walks over to me and holds out her hand as an invitation. I make the same mistake each time I dream – I take her hand. 

They invite me to join their game. Now, I stand at the other end of the line. The game starts over, and I find myself skipping and sliding at the center. Almost like clockwork, the girl and I are the last two. She seems to set the rules, and always wins. I don’t want to lose. 

I try to keep her in the corner of my eye, but she’s sneaky. I feel her presence behind me. I turn to face her, and her hand lands at the center of my chest.

That’s when a blood curdling scream fills the streets. It comes from my lungs, as I feel a coolness spread across my body. The girl does not move, and she does not take her hand off of my chest.  She watches me with her eyeless gaze. 

I feel my fingers lock in place as the bitter chill reaches my extremities. I do not break my gaze from her as the cold trails up my spine and covers my eyes. I wasn’t told one of the rules of the game.

Never turn around.

In the darkness, I hear a voice. “You don’t belong,” she says, and I feel a finger run through my hair at my neck, “You don’t belong here. Come home.”

“I don’t know where home is,” I tell her. “Home is gone.”

“Why?” Her voice is familiar. 

“Home left me.” I feel my throat tighten – a hand gripping the back of my neck.

“Come home,” the voice repeats to me.

“Where is home?” I ask as the grip gets tighter.

“Find the pathway home,” she says, and I feel her hand release my neck. 

I gasp for air.

She grips my shoulder and snaps my neck.

I wake up.

***

I opened my eyes and sat up a bit, hugging my knees up to my chest. Leaving out the detail of the woman’s voice being my mothers didn’t seem important. I figured telling him that it was familiar was enough.

“How often have you had this dream, Hayden?” Evon asked after a few moments of silence.

“This one specifically happens… probably three times a week.” I rubbed the back of my neck, feeling a lingering pain at the base. 

“Do you dream every night?”

“Yes. But I have a few other dreams… sometimes they are random. You know, like a normal person,” I laughed at my attempt to joke. 

Evon looked at me for a few moments, “We have a lot to unpack in that dream…”

“You think?” I leaned back against the cushion and gave myself enough momentum to swing slightly. 

He stood up and turned to his books, picking and choosing out of the pile. He put some back on the floor and was left eventually with two books on his bed. 

“These are going to be the most helpful,” Evon said, “I hope at least.”

I peaked out of my chair and saw one of the titles: 12,000 Dreams Interpreted. 

Evon sat down on the floor and leaned against his bed, opening up that book and said “This may take awhile. I may need you to repeat some parts.”

I nodded and fiddled with the string on my hoodie. I tried to get comfortable, knowing I would be there longer than I ever intended to be.

Categories
Creative Writing

Amaris

I am finally back from my small hiatus from my blog. All will be explained in another post, however I thought I would share this old piece with you all. Amaris, though I haven’t written her in some time, is one of my favorite characters I have ever created. I think this piece, the first introduction to her character, shows something important about her: where her priorities lie. Enjoy!

In the late hours of the night, the first riot began. 

At first, it was quiet. The wind blew sand through the dark alleyways and shook the shutters outside of the homes of the people. The Julenne castle stood ominously over the entire city, the bright lights inside casting faint ones onto the grounds all around the village, which had ignited the passion of the rioters.

When the first light when on in the tallest building, everyone else woke up with it. People were exiting their homes during the dark hours, unallowed by King Alexander, and began to shout. 

Amaris woke up a few minutes into the beginning of the riot. Her vision was hazy as she stood from her bed to the cold floor. Her head throbbed from the shouting – which she hadn’t realized was shouting yet, for waking from a deep sleep left her in a blinded state.

Her hands reached for the shutters, which kept the bitter air outside, but she felt she needed to have the air hit her face to wake her.

When the shutters opened, she was hit with the air, but also, the swarm of hundreds below her home, all gathered in the city center with torchlights, their cries echoing through the foreboding night.

The man at the center, standing on the statue platform, was screaming out curses to the King.

“Are we going to let this man control when we can and cannot be outside of our homes? Are we going to let him walk all over us as if we’re nothing? He continues to raise taxes, taking our hard-earned money from us and our children, so his child can be a spoiled brat! Are we going to let this keep happening?”

He was screaming, the sweat beading from his forehead was trickling down his face. His words were fueled by rage, the steam from his screams exiting his lungs at an alarming rate. His voice was fading fast, but he kept going. 

“He makes us work harder, while he’s sitting on his ass with no intention of doing any work himself! Our fishermen are dying from exhaustion! If we keep working, emptying our waters, we won’t have any fish left to sell! He keeps us indoors during the ‘dark hours’! What the hell is he keeping from us?”

Amaris quickly pulled the shutters closed, but it didn’t drown out the man’s yells, and the cheering that came from the crowd.

In bare feet, she pulled her cloak over her thin, freezing body, and ran out the door. The crowd stood right outside, pressed up against the wooden frame. She shoved her way through the men and women, all cheering for the man at the center.

The walls of the mob were closing in around her as she pushed between the people blocking her. She dug her nails into their sides to press past them, ever so slowly sliding closer to the center. Amaris could still hear the man shouting, getting louder with every word he spoke. 

His voice was heavy, scratching in his passionate words to the people around him. The spit produced from him was beginning to freeze to his white beard, but he didn’t notice. He kept screaming, kept the rage burning in the people’s hearts, and made sure that they would be heard by the monarchy that never heard a voice but their own. 

Amaris approached him cautiously, knowing that in his passion he wouldn’t cool well.

She reached up to him and took hold of the end of his cloak, looking up towards him with golden eyes. Her voice was calm, but loud amongst the protesters screaming around them.

“You need to come back inside, Father.”

He looked down towards her, his words faded to silence when he saw her. The protesters were loud, but none noticed when he stopped. They continued their cries, hoping that they’d be heard.

“Amaris, what are you doing out here,” His voice had calmed. She ignited a sense of duty to him, to make sure that she was safe. He reached down towards her, taking hold of her wrists, “It’s late, you need to go back to the house, a girl like you shouldn’t be out here – you’ll get hurt.”

“You don’t want me to get hurt, I don’t want you to get hurt. Please, Father, come back to the house…” She pleaded to him. 

The way she spoke made him believe they were the only two in the crowd. 

“I won’t get hurt, Amaris. Now go back inside.”

“Father. I can’t do that. Please, come inside…”

He looked down towards his daughter for a moment and almost broke for her. 

Almost.

“Amaris, you need to go back into the house. Now. Your mother would not be happy to know that you’re out here-” He interrupted himself, looking into her silver eyes and taking tight hold of her hand, “Please, Amaris.”

Amaris reluctantly agreed, looking around the chaos surrounding them, “Please promise me that you won’t get hurt..” 

“I cannot promise anything, but I will try my best, darling..” He placed a kiss atop her raven head, then relinquished the hold on her wrist and hand.

Amaris obeyed her Father, sinking back into the crowd. It did not take long for her to hear his roars above the crowd and the praise that followed behind. 

She had always questioned him on why he insisted on leading the riots. Amaris knew that he would get hurt one day. She always feared the day that he wouldn’t come home. She wanted to stay with him, to make sure that no harm would come to him. But Amaris returned to her home despite her wish to stay with her father. 

Categories
Creative Writing

The Great Mind Meeting

This is another piece of my novel! Check out the rest of my posts further down in my blog!

When Jaelyn came home, the meeting was in 5 hours. She rushed to her room and locked the door behind her. She leaned back on the door and looked at her reflection in her window. She smiled and turned around to face the poster hung up. Mars Addington. 

She was going to see Mars Addington in person. Her hero. The legend. The Mars Addington.

Opening the closet, she pulled the dress off of the hanger and shoved it into her backpack. She put on her best shoes, and ran her fingers through her hair to pull apart the small knots.

It was easy to sneak out of the house. Mae was asleep on the couch, as usual for this hour, and Cade still hadn’t come home from Picking yet. All Jaelyn had to make sure she didn’t do was slam the front door shut. 

Once outside, she ran down the dirt paths and past the lit up houses. There were lots of people around, but none paid attention to her unless she was about to run into them. She weaved through Pickers and to the monorail station.

She checked the letter again. It was folded up from being hidden in her pocket. At the end of the letter the students were told to bring them to get admittance to the International Space and Air Museum grand ballroom. She hugged the letter to her chest and smiled at her reflection in the window across from her seat. She had never been so excited for an event.

She got off at the Museums stop on the monorail. It was just a 5 minute walk from the stop that she was able to see the large white block building. The museum looked to be 4 large white blocks connected. They were several different sizes, and one stacked on top of the other three. It was blinding under the moonlight. Jaelyn watched as limos pulled up to the front of the building. Several boys and girls would get out of each, wearing lavish gowns and pressed suits. 

When Jaelyn realized that she was yet to put her dress on, she was set into a panic. Where was she going to change? There was no way she would be able to enter that building without it on. She was out in the streets in the middle of the city. There were no trees to hide behind, no bathrooms nearby. Glancing around, she noticed an alleyway off to her right. She decided that was the best place to change.

In the alley there was a dumpster and several trash cans. The rats scattered as she walked further into the darkness.

She hid behind the dumpster, took a deep breath, and pulled the dress out of her bag. She kept it in a ball in her hand so the flowing bright orange ends didn’t get stained by the murky puddles. Looking around to make sure that the only thing that could see her were the stars and the rats hidden away, she hesitantly took her shirt off and pulled the dress over her, leaving her pants on.

Another car rumbled by and Jaelyn pressed herself against the brick wall, staying hidden from the line of sight of the street. She took her pants off and left on her black school shoes. She knew that all the girls around her would be in heels, but she didn’t own any, and she wouldn’t borrow any from her mother. 

She shoved her shirt and pants into her backpack, and held the invitation tight in her hand. Jaelyn glanced around the street before coming out of the alley and continuing towards the building.

There were two men posted outside the entrance doors. Behind them were a group of men and women in slimming black suits. Jaelyn watched as when a group of kids approached them. They handed their invitations to one of the men, and then followed two of the members of the group. They must’ve been guides to the ballroom.

Jaelyn walked up the large marble stairs and approached the man on the left.

“How can I help you?” He asked her. His voice was dark and deep.

Jaelyn handed her invitation to him, saying quietly “I’m here for the Great Mind Meeting.”

The man inspected the letter and said, glancing at her “You didn’t come in a car?”

Jaelyn bit the inside of her cheek and quickly replied “It broke down. Down the road. I didn’t want to be late.”

He nodded after a minute and turned around to a slim red haired woman and said to her “Take Ms. Beyer to the ballroom.”

The woman gestured Jaelyn to follow her. As she walked down the hallway she said over her shoulder “Congratulations on your score, Ms. Beyer. Are you excited?”

“Absolutely,” Jaelyn replied as she followed her and then added “And thank you, miss.”

The woman smiled at her and led her down the hallway. There was the sound of voices and music becoming louder, and soon Jaelyn three sets of doors open.

Inside was a wide open room, decorated with hanging crystal chandeliers and large round white tables. There were floating white and cream colored lanterns dotted around the ceiling, some floating on their own. There were models of planets hanging as well, in perfect scaled detail. The tables were decorated with gold and silver plates with cream napkins and matching silverware. On top of the plates were small white boxes with silver ribbon tied around it. The center pieces were lilacs and baby’s breath, as well as what appeared to be tiny models of Ivosa in the middle of the flower arrangements. At the back of the room there was a large stage with a podium and a large projecting screen. 

The windows on the sides of the room were adorned with white curtains, tied back with gold rope and pulled away to reveal the view of the Brighton View City Gardens on the left side of the room. On the right, Holloway Pond could be seen glittering in the moonlight. Also on the right side was a group of musicians. Jaelyn couldn’t even begin to identify all of the instruments that they had with them. She had never seen a professional music group perform.

The red haired woman led Jaelyn through the doors. Some students were standing, while others were sat around tables. At a closer look, Jaelyn could see that there were name tags in front of the plates. She followed the woman over to a table in front of the stage and saw her name placed between two others: Ember Daniels and Julis Dedam. 

She thanked the woman and put her bag underneath her chair. She looked around to see if she recognized anyone from her school. She slowly made her way around her table and didn’t recognize any of the names at her table. 

“They let you in?” Tanner said across the table.

Jaelyn met his eyes and furrowed her eyebrows and replied in a mocking tone “They let you in?”

He rolled his eyes and shoved his hands into his dress pants pockets. “I can’t believe you actually showed. Considering I’m sure that they’d kick you out once they find out that you’re a picker.”

“I have the right to be here, Tanner, as much as you hate the idea.”

“Sure, picker, whatever you want to think.”

Jaelyn clenched her fists at her side, biting the inside of her cheek and saying “I don’t understand why you treat me the way you do, Tanner. I deserve to be here. They wouldn’t of sent me an invitation if they didn’t want me to come.”

“You don’t belong here, picker,” Tanner snarled, “You don’t belong in high class society. You should give up trying to impress with your little knowledge of astronomy and technology.”

Jaelyn’s mouth was dry. She opened her mouth to spit a response, but the only sound she heard was another girl’s voice saying behind Tanner, “Dude, anytime you open your mouth you make people want to punch you in the face.”

Tanner turned around and gave Jaelyn view of the girl. She was his height, with tan skin and a mop of curly dark brown hair tied up in a bun on the top of her head. She wore a long black dress with a slit up the side of the leg that reached her thigh. Her eyes were dark and narrowed as she looked at Tanner.

“What do you want?” Tanner rolled his eyes and scoffed at her.

“Oh, I don’t think your mother will want to hear about you talking to me like that, now will she?” the girl then smiled and threw her arm around his shoulder and said “Now, cousin dearest, why don’t you be nicer to this lovely girl?”

Tanner tried to shove her away and replied in disgust, “Don’t touch me.”

She rolled her eyes and let go of him. She placed her purse on the chair next to Jaelyn’s and said “Don’t be such a party pooper, Tanner.”

“Ember, she’s a p-” Tanner began to protest, but Ember quickly cut her off.

“I don’t care what she is.” Ember looked at Jaelyn and flashed a pearly white smile at her, saying “Hi, I’m Ember Daniels.”

Jaelyn quietly replied “I’m Jaelyn Beyer.”

“Oh, so we’re sitting next to each other!” Ember walked over to her and smiled and said “I love your dress. It’s gorgeous.”

“Thank you.” Jaelyn wasn’t used to compliments from people her age. Mrs. Montrone complimented her a lot, and Mrs. Alia complimented her hair cut. But the only person her age that usually complemented her was Marea. Sometimes Jaelyn thought she did it just to be nice.

“Ember. I don’t think your parents would like to know that you’re talking to a Picker.” Tanner crossed his arms and glared in Jaelyn’s direction. 

Ember raised an eyebrow and said “Tanner, what did you get on the assignment?”

“Why does that matter-”

“What did you get?” Ember asked again, narrowing her eyes.

He lowered his and mumbled “99.”

“Well, I got a 100. So maybe, since I’m smarter than you, you should listen to me. And stop bullying this girl.”

Jaelyn stared at Ember. She got a 100 too?

Tanner’s face flushed and he bit the inside of his cheek and grumbled “You aren’t smarter than me.” He turned on his heel and walked away from the table.

“Sorry about him.” Ember turned to Jaelyn and smiled warmly at her. “I hope he didn’t bother you too much.”

Jaelyn mumbled in response “He’s been bothering me since our first year of secondary school.”

“Seriously?” Ember sat down in her chair and continued, “He’s such a jerk. I’m sorry about him.”

Jaelyn shrugged and said “I’m used to it. I’m sure other people think the same things that he just happens to say out loud.”

“I’m sure that’s not true. Just because you aren’t from here doesn’t mean you don’t belong here.”

From here? Jaelyn bit her cheek harder. She was from here. The trash heaps were still part of Brighton View. She decided not to mention anything. She wanted Ember to like her. Jaelyn knew that you don’t correct your friends.

“I know it’s only been ten minutes since I got here, but this sure is boring.” Ember looked around the room and added, “this is a bunch of high school students and they hired a classical orchestra. This is stuff that those adults would like.”

“Do you know who is presenting?” Jaelyn asked.

Ember shrugged. She picked up her crystal water glass and took a drink.

Jaelyn watched the doors as more students began to flood in. She took her seat next to Ember and soon their table was full. Once everyone had checked in and had sat down, there were waiters that came into the room. They each carried golden platters. The waiters, mostly men with a few women as well, came over to their assigned tables and put the small porcelain plates in front of the students. Their first course made Jaelyn’s mouth water. It was a small piece of brown meat – either beef or veal, she wasn’t sure. It was decorated with orange and red sauces and what looked like thinly sliced potatoes on top of it. She wondered if it came from the Montrone farm.

She was ready to dig into her plate, but she watched Ember pick up the third fork in the line and start eating with that. She took note of that, picked up the same fork and her knife. She took a bite and it melted in her mouth. Jaelyn had never tasted anything like it before. It was sweet, spicy, and warm. 

“So, you’re from Hoffman Academy?” Ember asked after she swallowed her first bite of food.

Jaelyn nodded and she quickly shoved another piece of pork into her mouth.

“And you got a 100? That’s pretty impressive, it seems like you’re the only one to have gotten that from there.” Ember glanced around the table and whispered to her “None of the others at this table are from there, are they?”

“No.” Jaelyn swallowed her bite. “I’m the only one who got a 100 from Hoffman.”

Julius, the read haired boy sat on Jaelyn’s other side, chimed in “I figured no one from there would even get invited.”

Before Jaelyn could process his thought, Ember jumped in “Well, Jaelyn did it.”

Julius shoved another piece of pork into his mouth.

Jaelyn couldn’t believe how quickly Ember jumped to defend her. The only other person who would do that was Marea. But she was all talk, she never did anything she said she wanted to do.

Almost as quickly as Jaelyn finished, their plates were whisked away and a new one was placed in front of them. This one had a silver cover on top of it. When lifted, a white smoke flowed over the edges of the plate and across the table. There were laughs across the room and then the clatter of silverware digging into the noodle dish.

By the time dessert came, Jaelyn was laughing with the others at her table as if she had known them forever. The blonde girl across from Jaelyn talked about her parents arguing over where to send her older sibling. The boy with long black hair told them all about his favorite band and their concert coming up.

In the middle of Ember telling the table the story about her father’s auto business, the lights began to dim. The lights on the stage got brighter, and a younger woman walked over to the podium. Her light hair was on her head in a tight bun and she wore a long form fitting black dress. Nothing about her struck Jaelyn anyway; she didn’t know who she was.

“Hello and welcome to The Great Mind Meeting.” She smiled and held her hand up. She flicked her wrist and a large graphic appeared on the holographic screen behind her. “For those of you who do not know me, my name is Andromeda Calquin. I am the Director of Affairs for the International Space Association. I was assigned by my higher-ups to create and distribute this research assignment, as we are always looking for bright young minds to intern with us.

“As you all are aware, the only students that received invitations to attend tonight’s meeting were students that were graded at a 95% or above. Out of the hundreds of students assignments that were graded, the 80 of you here tonight were able to obtain such an incredible feat.” She clapped, and a roar of applause between the students themselves and the staff standing near the doors of the room.

When it died, she continued on “You all showed through your work that you have incredible potential.” She flicked her wrist again, and the slide behind her changed. “It is my pleasure to announce the reasons behind this project.”

Behind her the large screen showed the cover page of the International Space Association’s yearly published magazine. On the cover page was a girl with orange hair, tied back in a tight ponytail. She wore large black framed glasses and her face was pointed and her features were slim. In bold lettering above her head read “Best Rising Scientist of 2150” in white letters.

Ember leaned over to Jaely and whispers “I know that girl. She’s such a snob it’s ridiculous.”

“Every year, the ISA selects a student to receive the Best Rising Scientist Award. Usually, we look at course work as well as their internships involving the ISA. However, this year we decided to do it differently,” Andromeda continued. “This student, Delta Gardence, is a senior attending Swanson Academy. She has been working under Dr. Orion Hoffman for 2 years. As a part of her internship with the ISA, she had to create a scale model of a CO2 remover that she and Dr. Hoffman created together. Not only has she excelled at that, but she then proceeded to create a working model at the scaled size. She is sitting amongst you all tonight.”

As Andromeda continued to drone on about all of her accomplishments, Jaelyn took the chance to scan the room to find the girl. It wasn’t that difficult to find her. She sat at the table next to Jaelyn’s, and she herself had noticed that there weren’t many red haired people in attendance. Delta, Julius, and one or two others. She was looking up at Andromeda, sitting straight up with her hands folded together on the table.

Ember whispered again “She’s the ISA’s little angel. They never shut up about her. She’s so full of herself.” Ember leaned her elbow on the table and watched Delta and continued “Look at her, sitting there all pompous while Calquin praises her in front of all of us.”

Jaelyn took a closer look at Delta. She seemed to have her nose turned up. She was smirking to herself and she pushed her glasses up and closer to her face.

“Now that you mention it…” Jaelyn murmured, but before she could finish her thought, she heard the words she had been wanting to hear all night.

“I’m sure you’re all tired of listening to me drone on, so I will introduce our next speaker. Please give a warm welcome to Mars Addington, spokesman for the International Space Association.” Andromeda stepped away from the microphone and clapped.

Everything seemed to be moving in slow motion then. Jaelyn stared in amazement as Mars walked across the stage. He was taller than she thought he would be. On the stage he looked perfect. He had no wrinkles, no freckles, no flaws in sight. He had bright eyes, dark hair, and one of the whitest smiles Jaelyn had ever seen. Even though she had seen his face in pictures, on tv, and in documentaries; he was still stunning.

She wasn’t clapping, just frozen in place as he made his way to the podium. 

When he reached the podium, he gave Andromeda a hug and a kiss on the cheek. She stepped back and took a seat in one of the empty chairs.

“Hello everyone!” Mars announced, “Give yourselves a round of applause, please!”

There was another echoing of clapping. Jaelyn joined in this time.

“You all should be incredibly proud of yourselves. Seriously, you all should be proud of yourselves for getting to this point. You all have amazing opportunities ahead of you. I can’t believe I get to work with some of the brightest minds in Brighton View. You guys are the men and women who will grow up and continue to make Brighton View the leader in space exploration and colonization.

“I think one of the most important things a young mind needs is a role model to look up too. Mine at your age was my father. Growing up, I always wanted to do everything that he did. I watched him. He taught me how to shave, how to tie a tie, how to tie my shoes, and so many other things. My father also taught me about the planets and the stars.

“Each one of you has someone who inspires you. This person, even if they have no idea that you exist, they inspire you to do more than you ever thought that you were able to do. This concept is so important to me. If my father hadn’t been such an inspiration to me, I probable wouldn’t be in the field that I’m in today.” Mars looked out over the crowd with a smile, and he continued “I hope to be an inspiration to my son as my father was to me.”

Mars took a water bottle out from underneath the podium, took a sip, and then chuckled “I’m sure you’re all wondering what comes after this meeting.”

He put the water bottle down and flicked his wrist, a new screen appeared behind him. The lettering was geometric and in bright blue letters: WHAT COMES NEXT.

“As Ms. Calquin explained in her speech, Ms. Delta Gardence has been interning at the ISA for the past two years. Last year, she was named the International Space Association’s: Best Rising Young Scientist Award. With that award, she received a prize of $10,000 and a feature in the ISA’s magazine.” Mars took another sip of water. “This year we decided to open it up to all students.”

A feature in the ISA’s magazine guaranteed you a job offer once you graduated from high school. Jaelyn’s heart began to race. That could be her. She could be the next featured young scientist and she could finally be out of the trash heaps. Her mind wandered to all the possible outcomes her life could have if she was chosen to be the next feature. She could work for the ISA, or even begin her own smaller company that provided niche research for flight companies or even food researchers. In that moment, she did not care where she ended up after being featured. All she could think about was finally being away from her home.

Living in the city would smell so nice. Instead of rotting food, she would smell the clean air. She could take long, hot showers in her own bathroom that she didn’t share with anyone else. She could look out clean windows that were taller than her. Jaelyn could buy food from grocery stores. She wouldn’t have to deliver trash to the Montrone’s to make money anymore. She would make a living doing what she loved. She would live where she was safe and alone.

“What we’re asking from all of you in to create a scale model based on the invention in your research papers. You all cited from scientists, past and present, and created inventions of your own. While they were just descriptions of what you created, one of the many reasons that you all are here is that the inventions you ‘hypothetically’ made have a possibility of being successful.” Mars flashed his perfectly white teeth as he smiled and finished by saying “There will be more instructions given to you all before you leave. I want to, again, congratulate all of you on your incredible work. Enjoy the rest of your night here with us.”

He stepped away from the podium while everyone clapped. Jaelyn glanced around at the students sitting at tables surrounding her. She could see the same looks of awe on other faces that she could feel on her own. They all were having similar daydreams, Jaelyn was sure of it. 

The lights rose back to their regular lighting, and everyone continued to eat and chat. Jaelyn fell silent at her own table, listening to the conversation surrounding her. She was too busy thinking about her possible future. 

When the plates were cleared, Ember turned to Jaelyn and asked, “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Jaelyn replied. “Just thinking a lot. Can you believe it? That any of us could be featured in the magazine?”

“It’s pretty cool, yeah. But the fact that they want us to make scale models of our designs is annoying.” Ember leaned back in her chair and fixed her dress at the waist. “I don’t know about you, but I don’t have that much money to take out of my savings to spend on parts.”

“What did you research?” Jaelyn didn’t want to talk about money. 

“I looked into work done by Weston Brooks and Elijah Queens. They did a lot of work a couple years ago on the creation of an airlock. I always found it super interesting that the lock must be super powerful so that nothing breaks it, otherwise everyone dies. What about you?”

Jaelyn clasped her hands in her lap. “I did research on an oxygen machine created by Orion Hoffman. I also looked into how colonizers create power on plants other than our own. Some of Evelyn Snow’s early research was about that. I also looked into Raymond Addington’s work talking about that.”

“So, what are you going to create a scale model of?” Ember raised an eyebrow.

Jaelyn bit her cheek and said “Probably the oxygen machine. I haven’t really thought of a way to combine the two ideas yet.”

Ember smiled. “That sounds pretty cool.” She sat up and looked around the room. “You know, I’m pretty surprised that Dr. Snow isn’t here. She’s usually at all of the ISA’s events.”

“Mars is here though, which is pretty cool.”

“I know, right?” Ember smiled and said “He was my hero when I was in elementary school. He work on the planets and the stars started up my interest in space.”

“Me too.” Jaelyn was thrilled she had so much in common with Ember. “He’s still my hero.”

Ember stood up out of her seat and looked around the hall. She glanced at Jaelyn and asked “Wanna walk around with me? I want to see if I can find where everyone is getting those little chocolate medallions.”

Jaelyn nodded and stood up, walking away from the table with her. She looked around at all of the decorations hanging from the wall. She liked the sound that Ember’s shoes made when they hit the tile floor. Click, Click, Click. She wished she had shoes like that.

“Are you coming to the after party?” Ember asked.

After party? “I didn’t know that there was one, I didn’t get an invitation to that.”

Ember laughed. Jaelyn felt her heart sink. Had she done something wrong? She didn’t know why she was laughing. “It’s a party at Caine Warshborn’s house. He invited a ton of people. You should come with me, it’ll be fun.”

“Oh, well, I don’t know if I should. I have to go p-,” Jaelyn began to say, and then cut herself off. She didn’t want to tell her she had to go picking. “I have to go practice.”

“Practice what?” Ember asked, weaving between two waiters.

Jaelyn bit her cheek. She hadn’t thought this through. “I have to practice my speech. I’m giving one in class on Monday.”

“Oh, cool.” Ember walked over to the long banquet table and scanned options available. “If you decide to have some fun tonight, let me know. I’ll get you into the party.” She picked up a small chocolate wrapped up in purple paper and bit into it “This is awesome. You should try one.”

Jaelyn reached down and picked up the chocolate. She took the wrapper off of it and turned around to throw it into the recycling bin. She didn’t look where she was going as she took a step, and her body crashed into another.

She was flustered and looked at the brown stain on the mint green dress in front of her. Jaelyn looked up as she apologized “I am so sorry I didn’t see you.”

Delta looked down at the stain, and then looked at Jaelyn and spit, “You should watch where you’re going!” She grabbed a napkin off of the table and wiped off as much of the stain as she could. “This dress is brand new!”

Jaelyn was frozen staring at her. She couldn’t get anything to come out of her mouth.

“Delta, relax,” Ember cut in. She stepped up next to Jaelyn and said, “It was an accident. Chill out.”

“She should’ve been looking where she was going. Now I have to get this dry cleaned.” Delta huffed. She looked at Jaelyn and said, “Who do you think you are?”

Ember took a step-in front of Jaelyn. “She said she was sorry, Delta. Just walk away. I’m sure you have more important things to do than attack Jaelyn because she accidentally ran into you.”

Delta clenched her fists at her sides, and then shoved her way between Jaelyn and Ember, walking out into the hallway.

“Isn’t she just lovely?” Ember wipes her hands on a napkin.

Jaelyn was still frozen. She felt like she couldn’t breathe.

“Jae?”

She turned and walked away from Ember, headed towards the small balcony doors at the side of the hall. She needed air. She couldn’t be in that room. She thought about her mother and her brother. She thought about the night that they cut her hair. It felt like Cade’s hand was back on her windpipe. She didn’t mean to run into Delta. 

It was an accident. 

It was an accident.

Shoving the doors open, she felt the cool breeze hit her face and she stumbled over to the railing of the balcony. She gripped the edge tightly, breathing heavily. She was trying to get air into her lungs. There was an elephant sitting on her chest. Jaelyn shut her eyes and tried to steady her breathing. She squeezed the metal bar hard in her hands. She thought for a moment that the railing was cutting her hands. It was an accident. 

She heard the door open up behind her. She could hear the music echo out of it.

“Are you okay?” She recognized the voice.

Turning around, Jaelyn’s heart raced faster. She was face to face with Mars Addington.

Categories
Creative Writing

Writer’s Block

The typing creates fuel.

It’s the anthem of clicking that begins as the gears start turning, breaking the cycle.

The words come, escaping the machine.

Breathe.

It creates a new life

and fashions a new meaning.

The meaning loses its appeal in a review, moments after escaping the machine.

The overseer decides its fate and cuts it off.

Assassinating the newborn meaning,

They murder the young life.

Suffocation.

The words try to catch up, unable to defend against the destruction.

The anthem of clicking fades as the gears screech to a stop in their final resting place.

The typing only decays.

Categories
Creative Writing

The Rooftop

This is another excerpt from my unnamed novel! If you’re interested, you can read The Redemption and The Genius from the Gutter at the attached links!           

Tears stung Jaelyn’s eyes as she stared out over the skyline of the city. Her insides felt like rocks, clogging up her organs so she couldn’t move. So she couldn’t breathe.

            Everything she worked for months was starting to vanish before her eyes. All because she couldn’t lie to her mother.

            She hid her face in her hands, letting out a sob. When she needed to be strong, she wasn’t. She couldn’t tell her mother that she wasn’t hiding something from her. Jaelyn was disappointed in herself for the fact that she invited her mother to come with her to the Donor’s Gala, and that there wasn’t a chance in the world that anyone would talk to Jaelyn with an ounce of respect again.

            Jaelyn looked up  from her hands and saw the lights ahead of her wash out in a sea of her tears. All before her were blobs of buildings and lights. She didn’t want to go back downstairs, and she didn’t want to go back home.

            “Jaelyn, hey,” she heard Mars say from behind her. “Do you need to talk?”

            She spun around on her heels and wiped her face with the sleeve of her dress, stammering “Don’t come closer I’m fine, please I’m fine.” The last thing she wanted was her hero to see her crumbling in on herself.

            “You aren’t fine.” His voice didn’t change. It stayed the calm and loving tone it had always been when he talked to her.
            Another sob let out and she found herself running to him, hugging him tightly and burying her face against his expensive blue suit. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry…” she begged.

            Mars hugged her tightly, saying “You have nothing to apologize for.”

            “Are you kidding?” Jaelyn looked up and said, wiping her eyes “I just wasted all of your time. I am not going to win. My mom is down there drinking every ounce of champagne there is and telling everyone how horrible of a person I am. I’m a failure, I can’t even make her happy by getting close to winning.”

            “What do you mean?”

            “I won’t matter to her if I win. I won’t matter to her if I lose. I’ve wanted her to love me for so long and I was so stupid to think that if I won this she would love me! Nothing I will ever do will make her love me… I am a failure.”

            Mars looked down at her for a few moments, brushing her black fringe out of her amber eyes, and he said after a few moments “You are not a failure.”

            “But I am, I always have been. She’s telling everyone how much of a disappointment I’ve always been, how the hell can you stand there and tell me that I’m not a failure?” Jaelyn stepped away from him, wiped her eyes and said, “If someone should know a failure when they see one, it would be you.”

            “You aren’t a failure, Jaelyn,” Mars reached his hand out to her. “Let’s sit down and talk, okay? Just me and you. No Mrs. Beyer. Just me and you.”

            Jaelyn hesitated, but slowly nodded and put her hand in his. Mars led her over to a set of benches overlooking the skyline. They sat down next to each other in silence. Mars leaned his elbows on his knees. After a moment, he asked her a question.

            “Why did you enter this competition?”

            “It was for a school assignment.”

            “I mean why did you continue? You could’ve pulled out at any moment. You could’ve stopped and said ‘I’m done’ whenever you wanted. But you kept going. Why?”

            Jaelyn didn’t have to think about her answer. “Because I want to be better.”

            “Better than who?” Mars didn’t look at her.

            “Better than-“ She paused. She didn’t know. “Myself?”

            “You shouldn’t be answering my question with another question, you know.” Mars leaned back on the bench and continued “Better than who?”

            “Better than what I was.”

            “And what was that?”

            “A picker. A good for nothing picker on a scholarship to go to school. I wanted to be better than the picker everyone saw me as.” Jaelyn rubbed her arms as a breeze blew past them. She never realized it was colder on the top of a building.

            Mars slid his suit jacket off of his shoulder and put it around Jaelyn. He asked her after a moment “Is that how you saw yourself too?”

            She wrapped the jacket closer around her, looking down at how it overflowed over her frail body. She couldn’t lie to her mother, but she couldn’t lie to Mars either. “Yeah.”

            “Why?”

            “It’s where I’m from. It’s who I am… everyone from the slums is a Picker. No one ever gets out of there. If I don’t win this… If I didn’t push myself, to try and win this… I would be there forever. I don’t want to be there anymore. I hate it there.”

            “Because of your mom?”

            “Yeah… and my brother.” Jaelyn blinked a few times when she realized what she had said. Not once had she ever uttered the words ‘I hate my mom and brother’.

            “Can I tell you a story?” Mars looked over at her, and when he received a nod, he leaned back on his knees and said “When I was your age, actually, probably older, is when I got my first taste of what true city life is. Sure, I lived here my entire life – my father had a great penthouse, my mom and I were happy. I was always curious about what else was out there. When I was home from university for a break, I decided to take that chance.

            “I snuck out, which wasn’t very hard to do. A smile will get you further than you think it will. But, anyways, that’s not the point. I decided that I wanted to go to one of the clubs on the other side of town. Rumtown was the last stop on the monorail before it crossed over the bridge to the Island. Honestly, I don’t know why I wanted to go there, but I did.

            “I couldn’t tell you a thing about what the club was like – what it looked like, where anything was, how many people were there… but there was one person there that I can’t ever forget. It was as if we spoke the same language, she knew exactly what I meant by everything I said. She was one of the prettiest women I have ever met in my life.

            “We walked up to the roof top together, and laid out under the stars and talked. We talked about everything: from the sky to our home lives to even the foods we refused to eat. When I tell you I fell in love with that woman that day, I’m telling you the truth.”

            Mars rubbed his head, looking up and over at the horizon before them. He didn’t speak for a few moments, and then said “Everything isn’t perfect here. No matter what the billboards or those shows say – this city can eat you alive.

            “I was dating Terra at the time… and I love her. When I tell you I love Terra, it’s true. But, I had a lapse of judgement that night…” he looked at Jaelyn and says “I’m not perfect. I know you think I am, but I’m not.”
            Jaelyn looked at him for a few moments, asking quietly “Did you cheat…?”

            Mars nodded a bit, rubbing his forehead and looking away from her. “I regret it. I love Terra with my whole heart. I don’t know what happened to me that night – but something about that woman just drew me in, and I lost control of myself. I think I blacked out, honestly, because I can’t remember a single thing that happened that night after knowing what I wanted to do with her…”

            “Did you tell her you had a girlfriend..?” Jaelyn asked.

            “The morning after, like an asshole,” Mars chuckled sadly. “I told her I didn’t want anything serious, that it was a one-time thing, and that nothing would come of this. But she didn’t like that. I don’t blame her, I mean, I was a huge asshole.

            “And I left. I went home, showered, and called Terra and told her how much I loved her. I proposed to her a month later. I had this city to hide in. I ran away from my mistake and got away. I don’t know what happened to her. I know she was from the Islands. What did she have to fall back on? Working? Selling garbage to pay the bills?” Mars looked at Jaelyn and said after a moment “Everyone’s got that moment in life where they screw up. Where they think that it’s all their fault and that nothing they can do can change their actions… I know I messed up, and that it was my fault, and now I do everything in my power to help people like her… I donate to women’s shelters constantly, provide whatever extra resources I can to the Islands. Once… I even threw away one of Terra’s diamond earrings in hopes that someone would find it while working and be able to feed their family.”

            Jaelyn looked out over the horizon and said quietly “But you’ve changed. You’re the ideal, perfect person.”

            “No one is perfect. I’m still learning,” Mars said. “I want to make up for the wrongs that I’ve done in my past.” He placed a hand on her shoulder, lightly, and asked her “I still don’t understand why you think all of those wonderful things about me.”

            “Because…” she thought back to when she sat alone in her room, at the beginning of all of this. Where she stared at the minimalist portrait poster on the back of the broken wood door. “Because you’re my hero.”

            Mars didn’t speak. He kept his hand on her shoulder, and asked after a moment “Do you want a hug?”

            Jaelyn hugged him as tight as she could. She was shaking, her eyes hot and welling up with tears. Her mind flashed to when she ruined Delta’s dress with cake. How she ran outside because she couldn’t breathe. Mars was the only one that came out after her. The only one that saw as she was moments away from breaking down. He didn’t even know her then. He barely knew her now – yet he was doing the same thing. He wasn’t going to let her suffer alone.

            She wasn’t going to suffer alone anymore.

            “I don’t know why you’re my hero… but…” Jaelyn sat up and wiped her eyes. She could feel the mascara washing away on her red face. “I don’t have a dad. I don’t know who he is, anyways… and mom doesn’t know either. She just said that he was probably a fling she had whilst in a fight with Rex…”

            “Rex?” Mars asked.

            “That’s Cade’s dad. My brother, Cade.”

            “That’s… an interesting name, for sure.” Mars chuckled. Jaelyn thought she heard his breath hitch, but when she looked back at him he did nothing but smile at her.

            “I guess I just look up to you so much because I don’t… you know, have a dad. You are so dedicated to the ISA and everything that you do, I want to be just like you.” Jaelyn rubbed her hands over her wine colored dress “I remember you saying that Dr. Snow was one of the smartest people you’d ever met. I guess I hoped you’d say that one day about me.”

            “It’s interesting, you know,” Mars began quietly, “That you’re so sure of yourself as a student and academic, but you aren’t sure of what you think personally.”

            “I hadn’t thought about it that way.” Jaelyn replied.

            They sat in silence for a while. Jaelyn gnawed at the inside of her cheek. She knew that the winner would be announced soon. But she didn’t want to get up. She didn’t want to see her mother or brother down there. She didn’t want to see Delta’s perfect family. She didn’t want to know if she won. Jaelyn, for once, wanted to run away from everything she had ever worked towards. She wanted to run away from her dreams. In a perfect world, Jaelyn would never leave that spot on the rooftop with Mars.

            “Jaelyn,” Mars said, “We should head back downstairs.”

            She stood up slowly, following him back to the elevator. As she stepped inside, she said “Thank you, for everything you’ve done for me.”

            Mars smiled in the reflection of the metal elevator doors. Jaelyn didn’t notice the tears in his eyes.

Categories
Creative Writing

The Genius from the Gutter

This piece was written years ago, but it has been repurposed to be a part of my novel. This is from the same story as “The Redemption”.

“Now remember, everyone, what you got on this assignment does not reflect how you perform in this class, or any class in Hoffman Academy. This assignment was graded by The International Space Association, based off of their rubrics. The ISA is looking for students who will be able to create machines and life support systems that can be tested, and eventually used, on Ivosa,” Mrs. Alia explained to the class, her arms full of rubrics and research papers, “Though this project will influence if you will be attending The Great Mind Meeting with the ISA, it will not impact your grade in this class.”

Mrs. Alia began to walk around the room to hand back the assignments. Her perfect manicured hands passing back the piles of paper to the anxious students provided no clues to the grades they would receive.

There was a mix of emotions about the room. Most students let out a groan of disappointment.

“What did you get?” asked Ryder Quinn.

“35%” Erik Roe whined, “What about you?”

“33%” Ryder groaned.

Tanner Oxford looked at his grade and smirked. He looked around the room for everyone’s response once the papers had all been handed back. He was one of the smartest kids in the class, and his personality showed it.

“Those of you that scored 95 or above on this project will be attending The Great Mind Meeting,” Mrs. Alia explained as she returned back to her spot at the front of the room. She glanced towards the clock, time ticking down to the end of the day, “Remember that your papers on Ether Willis and Wona Lark are due next time I see you.”

The bell chimed. Students automatically packed their bags and flooded into the hallways. All the students could talk about were their grades on the project.

In Mrs. Alia’s classroom, one student remained. She stayed in her seat, staring at the stack of papers on her glass desk.

“Ms. Beyer,” Mrs. Alia said as she walked over to her and stood next to her desk, looking down at the girls raven hair, “What’s wrong?”

“This isn’t right,” Jaelyn replied. Her eyes were fixed on the red numbers on the rubric, “Something must be wrong. This can’t be right.”

Mrs. Alia smiled. She took the paper and looked at the grade, “Jaelyn Beyer, 100%. You should be used to this grade by now. This isn’t the first one hundred you’ve received.”

“Mrs. Alia, the ISA gave me an one hundred on this project? How many people got an one hundred? Was it easy?”

“Jaelyn, you were the only person in our school to receive an one hundred. You deserved it. You worked night and day on that assignment.”

“But… But this isn’t… I really did it? I did the best in the class?” Jaelyn asked, looking up towards Mrs. Alia. A smile was plastered across her face.

Her teacher smiled, “You did the best in the school, Ms. Beyer.” Mrs. Alia turned away and walked to her desk, “Now go home, the rain is going to start soon. You don’t want to be caught out in the wet.”

Jaelyn stood up and put her dark blue backpack on, holding the papers in her arms. She walked out of the classroom, and out the front doors of Hoffman Academy.

Her dark skirt brushed against her legs as she walked towards the monorail station. She walked up the glass stairs and waited underneath the overhang for the outbound train.

The rain began to fall. It was light at first.

“Hey, Picker,” Jaelyn heard over her shoulder.

She sighed and glanced towards Tanner, “What do you want, Tanner?”

He smirked and came up the stairs, stepping under the overhang with her and peering at the papers she was holding, “What did you get?”

“Doesn’t matter to you. Tanner, please leave me alone.”

He laughed. Behind him appeared Axle Wring and Moore Traillon.
“Just tell me what you got, Picker,” Tanner stepped closer to her, “I just want to know, that’s all.”

Jaelyn stepped away from him. She hugged the papers closer to her white button down, “Go away, Tanner. Please.”

“You embarrassed? Did you fail?” Tanner asked, laughing to himself, he reached for the papers and grabbed the top of the stack, “Let me see!”

“Stop it!” Jaelyn yelled, pulling the papers away from his hands. She stepped out into the rain and held them as close as she could, “Go away! Leave me alone!” Jaelyn searched for the train, but it was nowhere in sight on the tracks. She looked back at Tanner’s dark eyes, “Why are you even waiting for the train? Daddy not picking you up in the limo today?”

“I told him not to,” Tanner spat back, “I told him I was busy after school. Had to deal with a Picker.” He looked at Axle and Moore, “Grab her arms.”

Jaelyn turned on her heel and ran down the platform.

She could hear him yelling behind her, and soon she could hear their stomping feet as they started running.

Jaelyn’s eyes were focused on the space in front of her. She blocked out the taunts.

Even though she lived outside of the city, she knew the monorail stations better than any of them.

She took a sharp turn down the stairs. She slid down the railing to the street. Jaelyn ran through the pathway under the tracks and up the second set of stairs.

The train pulled up and came to a stop. The doors slowly opened. Jaelyn ran through the open doors and turned to look through them.

Tanner was coming up the stairs as the doors shut. He began cursing and pounding his fists on the glass. His eyes met Jaelyn’s and she smirked.

She held up the rubric to the glass, showing him the bright red one hundred circled on the top of the paper.

As the train pulled away, Jaelyn felt a wave of relief wash over her. She sat down on the black padded seat and shoved her papers into her bag. She had learned after so many years of torment by Tanner Oxford how to avoid him and how to get away from him.

Jaelyn was lucky enough to be able to attend classes. In Brighton View, only the wealthy could attend school. Everyone went to school until age 12. Then, secondary education was only available for those who could afford the cost. The tuition at Hoffman Academy was a whopping $65,000 a year. Jaelyn could never afford to go to school, but when she was young she took the Scholarship Test for the Homeless or Needy. That was the first one hundred she ever received. Hoffman Academy paid for her tuition in full. Her uniform – including the skirt was now ripped due to sliding down the railing, her books, her pencils, her pens, anything that was required for school, they provided for her.

Jaelyn had studied for hours every night before that exam. She wanted nothing more than to be able to learn and develop a mind fit to one day work for the International Space Association. She wanted to study the stars and the movement of the planets. She wanted to be able to learn everything there was to know about Ivosa, their sister planet, and just about anything else that space had to offer her.

As the monorail came to a stop, she stood up and walked out the doors and onto the platform. The stench of rotten meat and spoiled milk filled her nose.

She looked over her shoulder at the glittering city that was now in the distance behind her. Jaelyn sighed, then turned back to the stairway in front of her. She walked up the stairs and into the sunlight, where the stench was stronger.

On the outskirts of the city, piles of garbage weighing metric tons separated the marvelous, shimmering city from the rotting and decrepit slums. The slums that Jaelyn called home.

Her clean black shoes were covered with dust as she walked along the dirt roads. She had gotten used to the smell at this point, 17 years surrounded by the garbage of the wealthy would do that to someone.
She passed many homes on her way to her own. They were dark, with broken windows and patches in the roof. When storms came through, the wind would pick up large debris and where it was thrown would never be known until it happened. Crime was also heavy in her area, which explained why everyone was usually awake during the night time.

At this time, everyone was just starting to wake up for their shift Picking.

The Pickers went through the garbage, day after day, to find valuables worth selling. That was the life of a picker. Wasting their life away picking through the trash of those who didn’t even think about where their garbage went.

Jaelyn passed by groups of pickers that were going through their finds for the day. In the morning, many of them would make the long trip out to the farms where they would trade their valuables for money and food. Jaelyn’s long time friend Marea Montrone was one of the farmers daughters – she always offered to make the trek so she could see her friend.

Jaelyn could see her house in the distance. It was just like the other houses – dark, run down, and cold – but it’s where the rich weren’t.
Cade would be out picking at this hour, she thought, at least he won’t be home. Jaelyn walked up to the front door and tried to turn the handle. It was stiff, but she was able to push the door open if she used a bit more force. Cade had punched the door frame the night before in a fit of rage when he found out that Jaelyn wouldn’t be able to go get food the next morning because she was attending classes. He was angry a lot of the time.

She shut the door behind her, and looked around at the relatively empty room. On the far side of the room, by the windows that were covered with dark curtains, her mother laid out on the floral stained couch. Her arm was outstretched over the edge of the couch, fingers barely touching the dried cheap wine that stained that area of the brown carpet. Her mouth was agape and her eyes were shut. In her hand that was resting on her stomach, there was an empty bottle and a used cigarette.
Her mother’s chest slowly rose and fell as she slept. She was a heavy sleeper, she never heard Jaelyn leave or enter the house. She never heard Cade scream – or she didn’t care to listen.

Jaelyn walked down the hallway and into the last room. In the back of the house was her room. It was the smallest, but she picked that room because it had the best view of Ivosa at night. Cade was happy to trade rooms with her when Jaelyn was able to understand that she could see Ivosa in the sky.

Jaelyn carefully stripped from her uniform and put it on the red hangers in her closet. She sat in her bed and looked at the rip in her dark skirt. She opened a drawer next to her bed and pulled out a small sewing kit that she had found in the garbage one day. Carefully, she began to sew the rip. The school will supply a new one anyways once they see the rip, she thought, but what’s the point walking around like the Picker they say that I am?

Once her skirt looked good enough, it joined her blouse in the closet.
Jaelyn dressed herself in her dark green oversized t-shirt and black pants. She lied back in her bed and stared at the ceiling above her, looking at the star chart that she had created with paint that her mother gave her on her 15th birthday.

She rolled onto her side and looked at her door. Hanging against it was a poster from the ISA with Mars Addington promoting the programs. She smiled as she looked at her hero.

Mars Addington personally funded many of the ISA’s projects. He was intelligent, generous, and made Jaelyn believe that she could do anything. She could recall in the documentary The Beginning of the Future that they had watched in class many times why she loved him so much.

“The International Space Association, my colleagues, and just about everyone that has been apart of this project have done a better job than I could have ever hoped they would. When Dr. Evelyn Snow came to me with the idea to make this colony, I was more than happy to personally fund this project. I can say, repeatedly, how proud I am with what we have accomplished. Dr. Snow is one of the brightest women I have ever met. I am happy to have worked with her, and hope to work with her for years to come.

“I hope that our accomplishments of the past, present, and future will inspire generations of engineers, scientists, and astronauts. As a boy, my father was involved with the International Space Association and taught me everything that he knew. Interests start at a young age – and for many, your interests can turn into an occupation. I was lucky enough to know what I wanted to do the minute I could understand exactly what my father had done for work.”

Jaelyn smiled as she lied in bed. Hopefully, she thought to herself as she felt her eyes become heavy, He’ll say that I’m one of the most intelligent women he’s met.

She shut her eyes, allowing the troubles of her day to melt away as she drifted off into her dreams.

Categories
Creative Writing

When You Are An Anxious Daughter

When you are an anxious daughter

There is a thin line between

Excusable and overreacting.

The first can be met with advice and love

While the other is met with disapproval and anger.

How dare you feel so deeply.

How dare I feel so deeply.

When you are an anxious student

You avoid doing any work until the last moment

Because if you don’t turn it in, you can’t sleep.

You can’t think.

You can’t eat. 

You drown in the sea of expectations.

A pleasure to have in class.

The cycle continues.

When you are an anxious friend

There is no such thing as an anxiety free zone.

You beg your friend to be your bus buddy

Because you can’t sit alone.

Everytime they say yes.

Everytime you feel just as guilty.

When you are an anxious creative

Everything isn’t good enough.

The doubt engulfs you like fog.

You rip a piece of yourself out and 

Splatter it before you, only to hate it.

To hate yourself.

When you are an anxious lover

You want to be strong.

To be brave.

To love.

To be fearless.

To be there for them as they are for you.

Why is it so hard to be there for yourself?

When you are an anxious human being

Even the smallest thing can trigger

A flood of confided emotions that haven’t been

Felt since the first day.

But the trauma leaves you numb.

Someone has it worse trickles from your lips.

The validation that you pour into another’s cup 

Barely drips into your own.

Jumping back and forth between

I’m fine

And 

I AM FINE

Is endless.

When you are anxious

You are at war with yourself.

Categories
Creative Writing

The Astrologist

After waking up in cold sweat yet again, I knew I wouldn’t be able to avoid the inevitable anymore. I climbed out of my sweat soaked sheets and stumbled into the small bathroom. I started the shower, blinded by the darkness, and peeled off my pajamas before engulfing myself into the frigid water.

I decided that I couldn’t handle having these awful dreams any longer. I’ve had nightmares all my life, but this was different. These felt real. The darkness and demons were nipping at my fingers in the real world. I just wanted to know what the fuck was going on.

A gray sweatshirt and faded blue jeans awaited me from the pile of folded laundry in the corner of my room. The thought passed through my head that I should probably put those clothes away, but almost just as quickly I turned away from it and dressed myself. There were no clean socks though – I went through those too quick to keep clean constantly. I grimaced and pulled on my sneakers without socks, and grabbed my cell phone and keys, shoving them into my pockets.

I tiptoed down the stairs so I wouldn’t wake up Miss Hall. I laughed a bit to myself at how secretive I was being – she slept like a log. Not even an earthquake could wake her up.

One thing I hated about living on Myrtle street was that the closest T stop was on Tremont. The winter was the worst – I had slipped and fallen on my ass several times. It never worked out in my favor.

When I got on the train, I headed towards Newbury Street. I hated that place – everything was way too expensive. The best place on that road was Ben & Jerry’s. I would pay for their over priced ice cream every single day.

I hopped off of the train and left the station, hands shoved in my pockets and my head up high. It was just instinct at this point.

Rounding the corner, I saw it. Trident. He would be in there. He always worked the Sunday morning shift at the counter. I only knew because he would come into school on Monday’s complaining about how tired he was.

That was a year ago, though. He could not work here anymore. Fuck.

I walked up to the door and opened it, greeted by a wall of staff recommended books. But my eye wasn’t drawn to any of them – it was drawn to the boy working at the cafe counter.

Evon DuPont. His hair was natural, a bright pink and white tie-dye bandanna wrapped around it. It was strange to see him without his denim jacket on – I hadn’t seen him in his work uniform before. Simple black print shirt and pants. He wore much more color usually.

There were only a handful of people at the counter. They must’ve just opened, because this place was always swapped. It was the off season though, most college students home for the summer.

Slowly, I sat down at the counter at the farthest end away from everyone else. I didn’t need them hearing my questions.

I distracted myself by scrolling through old text messages until I heard a mug clink down on the counter in front of me. When I looked up, there he was.

“Hey, my name is Evon. Anything I can get started for you?” He asked, much too chipper for 7 in the morning.

It then hit me that we hadn’t spoken since senior year Earth Science. He didn’t recognize me.

“Hey. I don’t know if you remember me, but we went to high school together.” It felt awkward reintroducing myself. “Hayden. Hayden Shelley.”

“Oh, no way!” His teeth shined in the yellow lighting when he smiled.

“Hey! I didn’t even recognize you. How are you doing?”

“I’m good, I’m good.” I couldn’t help but smile back. With his energy, there was no way you could be solemn.

“You got bangs, I like it.” Evon leaned his elbows on the counter. “How’s college been?”

“It’s been… great, Evon.” Lying to him about little things felt okay. “I was actually hoping you’d be here today. I wanted to ask you something.”

“What’s up? Oh, also, decaf or regular?”

“Regular.” I poured a small cup of cream into the mug when he was done. When I looked up again, he was talking with two of the other customers. I suppose I couldn’t be mad at him. This is his job, after all.
I stirred my coffee as if to pass the time. I glanced back up and he was replacing the coffee filter. He came back over after that.

“Do you want anything to eat? We have killer muffins, and we have avocado toast. I eat it way too often.” He chuckled and pulled out a note pad, taking his purple pen out from behind his ear and clicking it.

“A muffin sounds good. Surprise me. I just don’t like cranberries.” I leaned back again the back of the stool, gripping the counter as I watched him scribble it down.

“What did you want to ask me?”

I sighed, and after a moment asked him “Are you still into all that… stuff?”

Evon put his pen back behind his ear, asking “Stuff? You gotta be more specific.”

“You know… all that stuff… astrology, psychics, those things?”

Evon chuckled, walking over to the pastry cabinet and plopping a muffin down on top of a white dole. “I didn’t call myself the resident astrologist for nothing in high school.” He put the plate down in front of me and asked “You got a question about your compatibility with someone?”

“No, that’s not the part I’m interested in.” I took a bite of the muffin top.

“That’s such a Taurus thing to say, you know-”

“-What is this, poppyseed?” I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and coughed.

“You said to surprise you,” Evon said with a wink and a smirk. Then, he asked “What are you interested in knowing, then?”

I drank a shot of coffee, and then asked “What about dream interpretations?”

“Dreams? Oh, I love that shit.” He smiled and said “I got a handful of books and journals about it. I know a thing or two, if I say so myself.”

“I could… I could use your help.” I sighed and said “I really don’t want to talk about this here, though. I’d rather talk about it privately.”

Evon nodded and looked up at the clock hanging over the coffee station. “I get out of work at 2. Wanna maybe swing by my place and I can show you some of the stuff I got on the subject?”

I bit my cheek. Going to his house was not apart of the plan. I just wanted to talk quick – maybe next to the T station or in the comics section of the Newbury Comics. Not at his house.

“Yeah, that works.” I opened my phone and asked “What’s your number?”

He plucked it out of my hands and began typing. “I’ll text you my address. Wanna come by at like 3? I smell like coffee and stale doughnuts when I get out of work. I need to shower.”

I nodded a bit and took my phone back out of his hands. I looked at the screen and saw he had created his own contact and texted himself. At least it would be easier to talk to him then.

When he turned his back to attend to another customer, I pulled a 10 out of my pocket and put it next to the plate. I chugged down the rest of my coffee, burning my throat, and walked out of the store.

I hope he knows more than he seems to be letting on.